My little princess,
Before to came into this world I was hoping for a girl. Then you were born and I thought “what the hell am I going to do with a girl”. I was scared.
You went through your girly stage of pink and dresses quick and early. Thank goodness! Then you became daddys blue jean and T-shirt girl. Never quite a tomboy but close.
As you grew we became close. Even as I started to date after the divorce, you were my little protector. I was there on your first date. You came to me with your first period. Excitedly ran home to tell me about the next boy, and the first kiss.
Then you came to live with me full time. I pushed you to maintain a relationship with your mom, no matter how painful you thought it was at the time. Told you that someday you would need that relationship, that someday you would understand.
Because, see, I knew that we couldn’t last forever. I knew that you would get to an age where the combination of my rules, boys, and bad decisions would come between us. I told your mother along time ago, when you first came to live with me: let her go, because she’ll be back, and when I lose her, I’ll lose her forever.
I hate when I can see the future, but can’t change it. When my predictions come true. Maybe its just self fulfilling prophecy, but I think there is more to it then that.
I just want you to know – I did my best. Tried to do what I thought was right. Pushed you to be independent, to be better. Wanted more for you then I could give. Wanted you to succeed. Wanted you to find passion. Wanted you to be happy. Wanted to achieve all this and more in the short time I had.
Wanted you to know failure, so I could cushion the blow. Wanted you to know heartache, so you could cry on my shoulder.
Wanted these things for you, so that when you became an adult, you were better equipped for the highs and lows. When there is no net to catch you.
Never claimed to be perfect. Never tried.
So, we’ve reached that point. We don’t talk. I didn’t even get a card for Fathers Day.